Clutter...

I read a quote this morning that said, "a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind".  If this is the case, what does it say about me that I have a cluttered desk, vehicle, home, closet.....  I've been feeling the weight of dissatisfaction in my life over the last several weeks.  It's incredible how it just sneaks up on me without invitation.  I feel myself growing more and more detached from the things I enjoy, and then I sit up, look around and realize I've landed in the middle of a funk.  I have a shorter fuse with the children, I'm "all business" with John, my patience is limited at work, and the visible order in my surroundings is gone.  I've lost my motivation.  In trying to dissect what brought me to my current state of melancholy, I can only deduce that it is the result of priority clutter.  Instead of outlining a set of priorities in my life and organizing my day based on them, I have lived the past several weeks with a "do what I can get to today" mentality.  Almost like all of my responsibilities are jumbled in a bowl and I pull them out at random until I find one that seems tolerable.  While there are endless facebook posts and mommy-quotes that will tell you that this "surviving" is all you can do, it's not true.  In the same way I can't go to work and just choose what I feel like doing that day, I cannot sift through the clutter in my life and neglect ownership of what needs to be done.  Therefore, I think the process by which I will climb out of my valley is to identify the priorities in my clutter of responsibilities, arrange them in a logical order, and regain the clarity of my mind......I'm sure it will happen just that easily!!!  Haha! 

- Quiet time with the Lord -- words cannot express how lost I feel most of the time.  This priority has spent entire too long at the bottom of my clutter bowl, when it's rightful spot is right at the top.
- Adult time with John.  I know that John should come second only to God in my life.  I find it very difficult to address his needs when there are so many other physical needs demanding my attention.  John can dress  himself, feed himself, and go to the bathroom himself......this exceeds the ability of 3/4 of the other beings in my life.  However, I know his needs go beyond physical care.  I need to address his love language.  While I have always despised that book, it might be my saving grace at this point.  John's love language is acts of service (how he likes to receive love).  Therefore, by keeping a clean home, ensuring there is a plan for dinner, and managing the household in general, I'm addressing a good portion of his needs.  The detriment is that those tasks do not come naturally to me.  It is a constant effort to force myself to plan meals, constantly clean, and do laundry.....it's a trial.
- Playtime with the kids.  Once again, this is a catch 22 because I usually want to play with the kids or take them to do fun things, but I feel obligated to stay home and clean....When I stay home to "play" with the kids, I usually just clean and make them do their own thing.  All in all, I'm rarely spending quality time with them and instead only giving them my leftovers.  If I could get the household management piece down, I'd be free to actually sit, attention undivided, and play with them.
- Exercise and emotional outlet for myself.  Oh man, I've never been a retail-therapy driven person.  Going shopping doesn't release any of my stress, it only makes me more stressed out.  My release usually comes from endorphins in exercise.  It puts me in a better mood, it gives me energy and it improves my confidence.  However, most of the time, I avoid it. I'm lazy and I don't want to go.  I'm NEVER disappointed when I do, but I'm almost always resistant.  Self defeating behavior....it's my gift.  The other outlet I have always used is writing and journaling.  Case and point, this blog has been sitting idle for a couple of years now.  I'm not expressing my inner thoughts, and therefore they're jumbled up in my brain and festering.  Sometimes just spilling my frustrations with my life helps me move on....sometimes not, but that's life!
- Maintaining an orderly home.  Oh boy....this is the beast.  I'm literally depressed when I walk through my house and count the days that have passed since the last time it was 'deep cleaned'.  I'm a very effective straightener.....I can put things away relatively quickly and have the place look nice, but the deep nitty gritty is not my gift.  I'm infuriated at the disaster that is the boys' room, but half the time I cannot find the motivation to go in there and put away every little piece of every little toy they have.  Some days I just want to throw away all of their toys, but that's irrational.  Some days I try to make them responsible for all of the cleaning, but they are still so little that it just turns into a sob-fest.  The balance can be crippling, but I have to remind myself constantly that I'm the adult, and they should be following my example.....do I set a good one?  The dishes are mile high in the sink at times, the laundry the same.  I have gone through periods of my life when this is completely under control, and the effects are widespread.  John is happier, I am happier, the kids are happier.
So there it is.  The clutter in my life dissected into 5 categories.  It's a gross understatement of everything else including work, extracurricular activities, family time, etc etc etc.  But this is it.  The meat and bones of where I need to start.  Will it be today?  Can I dig down and find the motivation to get moving in the right direction?  I hope so.  This is how I felt.