Being real

The concept of "being real" is something that has become very important to me in the last year. I'm not sure when it happened, but I found myself surrounded by people and conversations that were so superficial and sugar-coated. My self-reflection revealed that I too had become a shell of the person that I want to be. I indulged in seedy gossip, fruitless activities, and basically conformed to fit whatever situation I was in. Adjectives to describe myself would have been: goofy, light-hearted, and probably self-centered. I don't want to be defined by these terms. I would prefer to be looked upon as: genuine, thoughtful, interestED, and real. I have put true effort into becoming a better listener, a more devoted friend, and a person who holds to her ideals even in rough waters. Overall, I think this has been among the most important Jill-renovations I've ever attempted. It has improved my marriage. I no longer order John around like a kindergartner; I respect him as the leader of this family. I know that I can be a submissive wife and still be a strong woman. Relinquishing my need to control every situation does not require me to lose myself. In fact, I feel stronger and more self sufficient when I have the support of my husband. It has improved my conversations. I try my best not to indulge in idle gossip. I recognize that every person is living a completely different life with completely different circumstances guiding their decisions. In this, I cannot judge. However, I also do not have to support or encourage what I see to be damaging behaviors. Part of "being real" is being able to stand for what I believe to be right. I don't have to participate in things that are against my better judgement. I can love people without making their trials my own. It has improved my friendships. I am currently surrounded by the best group of friends I have ever had in my life. People who would do anything for me, and I would do anything for them. I am infinitely thankful. Most importantly, becoming "real" has improved my faith. I can be honest with God. Part of being honest with Him has required me to admit that I struggle with doubt. I love that I am able to approach God in prayer and say, "I'm not too sure about you." He respects my honesty. Mostly, I doubt that I am a strong enough believer to lead Jack in the ways of the Father. I worry that I have strayed away from God's plan for my life, and as a result I will not be appropriately equipped for the journey that I've chosen. As I sat in church on Easter, I assumed that the story of the cross would hit me harder than ever now that I have a son. Instead I wondered...if I were living in the time of Christ would I have been a believer, or would I have been shouting to free Barabbas? More applicable to life today....if the second coming were at hand, would I recognize my Lord, or would I doubt? Would my friends and colleagues be surprised that I call myself a Christian? Is my life real or am I playing a part? I can only pray that as I continue to peel away the layers of pretense in my life that God will mold me into the woman I was created to be. I pray that he will have pity on my ignorance and aide me in my doubt. I pray that I will surround myself with those who also desire to be defined by who they are, not who they think they should be. Father, please help me to be a unique, genuine, strong, compassionate, steadfast, and real person. This is how I felt.