Tears for her

As a nurse in Labor & Delivery, I get to experience the highest of highs, but also the lowest of lows.  I have always made a point not to cry in front of my grieving patients. I made this decision at the beginning of my career based on the rationale that the patient needs to see me as a strong figure she can depend on. She need not worry about my feelings or emotions, but rather focus on her own pain. Additionally, I am not a member of the woman's family. I have not loved their baby during the entire pregnancy, and I cannot fully realize the magnitude of emotions and despair that accompany their experience. This does not mean that I haven't been found countless times in the women's locker room at the hospital sobbing my eyes out over a loss, but I try to stand firm in front of the patients. 
Not today...today was a different story. As I stood in a prayer circle gripping the hand of my brokenhearted patient, my eyes drifted toward the car seat and diaper bag snuggled in the corner of her delivery room. Two outfits folded carefully to dress the baby for the ride home...one for boy, one for girl...it was to be a surprise. My eyes were hot with tears as I then glanced at her belly, no life inside. Her womb that only hours ago was feeding and nurturing life was now a tomb. No answers to give her. No reasons why. Nothing that could ease her pain. My mind was flooded with images of Jack's birth. The first time I heard him cry, the sensation of his warm body on my chest, the sweetness of his breath on my cheek. She will never have these memories. She will return to her home with the outfits still folded in her bag. Her baby has already gone home, but not with her. As we prayed together and told God that we trusted His plan, the tears poured down my face. 
Life is so fragile, so unexpected, and so un-guaranteed. I pray that few will ever endure this type of tragedy, but that all will gain the perspective that an experience like this provides. Tonight I will say one more prayer for my patient's baby.... Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen. This is how I felt.