Regaining control....

This may be among my most vulnerable and honest posts ever. Well....here we are. Terrible two's. It's not a metaphor, it's a reality. It's a harsh, cruel, bitter endeavor, and there appears to be no end within reachable sight. So I have two options....option 1: give Jack away to a more patient and resilient mother. Or, option 2: regain control of our lives. As evidenced by the existence of my blog, I am the first to admit when I have royally messed up. I have no difficulty in accepting my defeats. This is one of them. As a whole, Jack is still a reasonably well behaved child and for most people who take care of him he is kind and obedient. However at home he is opposing John and me at every turn. He is constantly testing the limits and pushing us to our breaking points. Jack spends two or three days a week with his babysitter, Anna, and his defiance has even trickled over into his time with her. Each day I fear that I am losing more and more of his sweetness and gaining more and more resentment and anger. I acknowledge that he has found my buttons, and he pushes them incessantly. While I can fully accept that some of this behavior is just a product of his age and I know he must discover his independence, I refuse to stand by and watch it happen. So, I have a plan. Whether or not it proves to be successful, I am hopeful that it will give me comfort to know that I've tried. I will be outlining our journey and his progress should it present itself.

To start, Jack's problems.....(disclaimer, I accept that many of these behaviors have been allowed by John and myself, so we cannot "blame" him for all of them.....
1. Tantrums. We experience at least 3 or 4 screaming, stomping, kicking, crying tantrums a day.
2. Aggression. Jack has been mildly aggressive toward Crockett and James for a long time, but he seems to target them more and more lately. It never appears to be out of anger or malice, but simply to get a reaction of some kind from them or us.
3. Television. Can you believe it? Our child who was not allowed to watch one moment of t.v. for the first 2 years of his life is now an addict. Many of his tantrums stem from not being allowed to watch exactly what he wants at that time. The more t.v. he watches, the worse his behavior becomes. Unfortunately, he watches close to 3 hours of t.v. a day (divided up amongst various shows and movies).
4. Attitude. Just as many parents "over parent" with excessive reprimand and constant scrutiny, Jack tells us "no" just because he can, and it makes my blood boil!!

It would be unfair to outline Jack's problems without also recognizing my own....so, Jill's problems (and John's):
1. Jack and James dictate our daily schedule. I sleep until they wake up, we eat when he's hungry, we nap when he's fussy. While this is not always bad, it does leave me feeling as though I am reactionary to his moods as opposed to proactive about how our day will play out.
2. I reprimand negative behavior WAY more often than I reward positive behavior. I expect him to be "good" without outlining exactly what that is.
3. I rely on the television and playroom to entertain him when I should be more interactive in his activities. Often he may be bullying James without me seeing him, and then I have to react based on what I "think" happened.
4. I don't know when to throw in the towel (This is a big one for John too). When I feel myself losing control, instead of backing away and allowing John to handle it, or Jack to simply wear himself out, I lose my temper. This shows him my Achilles heel....he knows he can take me down if I lose my cool, because it creates a perfect storm of toddler tantrum and mommy guilt crying.

Now, the plan....
I have come to realize that I must treat parenting like a full time workplace job. I would never enter into a day at the hospital without an outline or schedule of what must take place that day. Nor would I allow my impatience or laziness to affect the care my patients receive. So for now (at least until I regain some control) the boys are going to have a bit of a "lesson plan" each day so that we are more structured and predictable. The initial steps are.....
1. Behavior reward chart. I've created a sticker chart that Jack will receive stickers for any positive and desirable behavior (sharing his toys, cleaning his plate, putting away his toys, etc). Once he's filled the chart with stickers he gets a reward ranging from dollar store toys to bubbles and movies. This ties into #2....
2. No more t.v. (period). It will be treated as a reward not a right. He will be able to watch t.v. as a sticker reward.
3. Schedule. I will not pretend that I am going to become a rigid drill-sergeant type mother that has every second of the day planned out....it's not me and it's not my kids. However, I will be setting an alarm everyday.....yikes! I want to wake up 30 minutes before the boys so that I can have some time to prepare myself for the day. Rather than feeling disheveled and as though I'm playing catch-up all day long, I will be in control of the morning....thus setting the tone for the rest of the day.
4. Prepare an activity each day. Just as a teacher has lesson plans, I have found some AMAZING toddler curriculum websites with lots of ideas for games, activities, and crafts that are age appropriate. By keeping him busy and involved, I am hoping he will feel more attention from me (counteracting the tantrums from lack of attention) and have less desire to watch t.v.

So there it is....I may sound crazy, but something has got to give! We'll see how it goes, and I'll share any victories or failures I encounter. I love you my sweet Jack, and I only want to help you become the best version of yourself. I look forward to regaining our fun times and embracing the joy that I know can be there. I love you!!! This is how I felt.

Here's a little snippet of what it looks like sometimes....