This hurts me more than it hurts you...

I'm sure I'm not the only parent of a two-year-old who feels like I spend most of my time disciplining. I miss the days of mindless play and tickling. The carpet time we spent reading, exploring, and laughing together. We could go days at a time without any crying spells or meltdowns. Now I find myself counting down the minutes til naptime so that I can regain my composure and gear up for the next go-round. I'm not naive to how bad some parents have it. I confess that Jack is a very well behaved child and pushes far fewer buttons than the average two-year-old, but he has definitely found my bright red button and he hovers over it for a few hours a day.

Today was a gem. He woke up in a good mood, and we actually got to spend some time reading and dancing to his favorite jungle hokey pokey music while James was sleeping...don't ask. Mondays are playgroup days, and we were meeting at chick-fil-a for lunch and playtime. Despite the departure catastrophe where he fell into the corner of our chair and obtained a giant goose-egg on his forehead, the outing was going quite smoothly. He ate well, played with the kids well, and managed to get up into the playground apparatus fairly autonomously. He was even among the very few kids who loved the 8-foot tall cow who came to give out high-fives. What more could a mommy ask for?? WELL, to reward his good behavior I decided to trade in his happy-meal toy for a kid's sized ice cream cone (did you know you can do that??). Jack was elated to see the "ice green" and insisted on holding it himself. In hindsight, it might have been easier to just given in and allow him to trash his clothing and the booth, but I stood my ground and demanded that I hold the cone. The fit that ensued resulted in tears, kicking, screaming, head banging, and ULTIMATELY an entire cup of lukewarm water being poured ALL OVER the woman sharing the back side of our booth...don't ask. Following the guidelines from "Avoid- a-Scene 101" I gathered up the boys and our things and headed toward the car. Outside on the sidewalk things only escalated. "NO MOMMY, I want ice green!!!!!" To which I replied, "dear sweet angel from whom I gather my joy in life, please stop screaming and get in the car." Actual verbiage, "Shut your trap and get in your seat." Count to ten. "NO MOMMY".....count to twenty. To avoid further embarrassment and parenting judgment from the lunch crowd outside chick-fil-a, I decided the quickest end to the drama was to chunk the ice green in the trash. "Gone, gone Jack. Naughty boys don't get ice cream." Wow, that was dramatic!! He kicked and screamed the whole way home and cried himself to sleep for his nap. James meanwhile was sitting in his car seat looking at Jack puzzled. I'm sure if you could read his little mind he was thinking, "Dang dude, just let her hold the cone." Ahh, I love my children. I'm quite certain my mom is somewhere laughing her socks off and chalking one up to 'what goes around comes around.'

Anyway, back to theme of this blog...I think real truth can be drawn from this simple, yet disturbing, interaction. How often does God try to reward us with blessings in our lives, and instead of allowing Him to guide and influence them we are determined to take control. In the process, we lose what could have been a joyous experience for both of us, and we are left with tears and disappointment. I can think of specific instances in my own life where God brought me a gift, and I distorted it with my own plans and timing. I pray that He will show me how to allow Him to 'hold the cone' in my life. I don't want to miss the big reward because I was too stubborn to just let go. Ultimately the punishment does hurt Him worse than it hurts us. I love you sweet Jack. This is how I felt.