This child is my gift....a gift from the King

So often I write about the joys of motherhood and even the "joyful trials" of motherhood. Rarely do I sit and record the genuine depths of despair that I often feel while raising my two toddlers. Many days I laugh til I cry, but an equal number of days I cry until there is nothing left to do but laugh. At times I am flabbergasted by Jack's level of defiance and attitude. I realize that he is only two years old, but in that, how can a child have reached this level of manipulation and scheming after only 2 years of life?? It has taken me 28 years to become that conniving!! Haha!  In all honesty, I feel ill-equipped to handle his outbursts and then I pile on loads of mommy-guilt for the way in which I chose to "manage" him. I read once that a parent should never discipline a child out of anger. Whoever wrote that didn't have 2-year old Jack and didn't have my short fuse! I could count to 10,000 and still have the desire to wring his neck! Somehow I always manage to find the strength within to stay in control, but that doesn't mean I haven't doubted myself at times. Amazingly, when I am inches away from completely losing my mind, the clouds part and my little ray of sunshine appears. The boy I know lives inside of this two year old monster-shell emerges and blesses my soul. No one can make me laugh like Jack. No one can make me smile like Jack. No one can make my heart burst with pride like Jack. How can the trigger for both extremes of my emotions exist in one tiny human?? Where joy and sorrow meet.
Oh, Heavenly Father.....how you must look on me with similar eyes. How often I defy and turn from you over and over and over again. Whenever I achieve victory, you shower me with praise and blessings. When I fall, you comfort me. When I disobey, you gently redirect my path. How vast is your patience and love for me. It pains my heart to imagine how you must feel when I accept your love and grace only to instantly turn from you. Just as a 2 year old can rebel and outburst following a reward for good behavior. I pray for your peace and perspective with Jack. Give me your eyes and your heart to see him and love him as you do.
Tonight as I leaned over his bedside watching him sleep, I sought for the words to pray. When I let go and allowed God to fill my mind the only words I had were, "This child is my gift. This child is my gift. A gift from the King." Tears fell down my cheeks as I prayed these words over and over.  Remind me of this often, Lord. Remind me that, aside from salvation, my children's lives are the most precious gifts I will ever receive. Help me to love Jack in the unlovable times and to find patience when there is none left to be had. Thank you Lord for loving me perfectly. Because of your unfailing love, I have the perfect example to follow. This is how I felt.